After my
husband wrote the “10 Habits of Highly Effective Muslim Husbands,” he thought
it would be interesting to add the other perspective.
So, I made a
list of 10 habits that my husband has commented on over time that has produced
positive changes in our relationship. He
is right, the first year of marriage is really about adapting and compromise. We are shown our terrible habits (how did our
parents put up with us?) and over time you do fall into a groove.
But, don’t
get too comfortable in your routine.
Adding some spice and maintaining some good habits will make a very
successful and enjoyable marriage. Some
of these habits are similar to the “Muslim Husband Habits” but, some are just
for us, girls.
Stay Healthy and Get Outside!
This is by
far the most important habit a Muslim Wife can do to make a successful
marriage. Before marriage, my husband
and I were both active people. He was an
extreme biker and I played basketball for almost 10 years before we met. After marriage and the onset of chores, work
and family obligations, time for staying healthy was becoming low on our
priority scale.
Over time,
we both forgot the initial attraction we had for one another – an active,
healthy lifestyle. An active lifestyle
brings many benefits of clearing the
mind from trivial matters to enjoying each other’s company in a different way.
As we have
brought the active lifestyle back into our lives, we both realize we learn a
lot about each other through activity.
For example, on our hikes we see the other person’s stamina and
determination, in playing basketball, we see our competitiveness side, and in our
daily walks we see each other’s stillness and appreciation for nature.
It is by far
a crucial aspect of our relationship and one that really keeps us connected, Alhamdulillah.
Listen and Be Supportive
One of the
best things a Muslim Wife can do for her husband is be supportive. We all know the famous story of our Beloved
Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him; after receiving revelation,
he came straight home to his nurturing wife, Sayyidina Khadija, may Allah be
pleased with her. She wasn’t on the
phone with her girlfriend nor was she too busy on the computer, she was ready
to comfort and listen.
For me, this
starts as soon as your husband comes home through the door. Greeting your husband with a salaam, a smile
and a hug is sure to set a peaceful atmosphere right away.
A Muslim
Wife is attentive to her husband’s needs.
If he is holding something in his hands, like groceries, take them from
him, hand him a glass of juice or have some fruit or snacks readily available. These small gestures show simple kindness and
goes a long way.
If your
husband had a hard day at work, the initial greeting will soothe him. Thereafter, if he needs to vent about his
boss or co-worker, listen to him. A good
listener asks questions, makes good eye contact and reassures with nods and
affection. Initially, take his
side! If things are said that you don’t
agree with, wait until a better time to give advice. The first initial response he is looking for
is support and kindness from his wife, even if he is wrong. Thereafter, of course you can give advice and
guide.
Another tip
– remember names of people your husband says.
A week later after the work problem is over, simply ask your husband,
“Is everything okay with Michael, now?” He will be happy that you really
listened by remembering names.
So, lend a
good ear and your hearts will come closer together.
Be Creative – Change is Good!
We like to
change things around in our apartment every season. This is as simple as changing the furniture
into a different position, changing hanging pictures or de-cluttering old knick
knacks.
Over time,
my husband and I have become minimalists.
We like the clean counter-tops, things put away in drawers and
cupboards, and we have a new distaste for random objects. So, we minimize every season by giving away
clothes, dishes and books.
We also
change our “usual” eating spots at the table and seating in the living
room. We change our chores around
too. I usually cook and he washes the
dishes, but lately we have been cooking together and then sharing the dishes
too (I soap while he rinses).
We have
about four or five home-cooked meals that we both enjoy and we basically just
rotate them week to week. But, after a
while we add a new dish to the mix. I’ll
learn something new from mom or a girl friend and surprise him with it one
night.
Small
changes creates new growth and stimulation to your relationship without falling
into boredom and we always feel like “we’ve just moved in” every time we change
things around.
Engage in Good Conversation – Learn New
Things
Engaging in
meaningful dialogue that does not consist of talking about family, friends or
every day matters can boost your marriage.
Very easily
we can fall into talking about what’s happening in our lives right now, which
is fine and needed. However, your
relationship truly grows and tests new boundaries when you learn new things and
share them with your spouse.
My husband
shares new things he is always learning from blogging, marketing and computer
stuff. To be honest, this is foreign to
me. But, it is something that he is
motivated by and by listening to him I have learned a lot of interesting things
about it (and he has convinced me to write this article for example, lol.)
It’s nice to
talk about the books or articles I’ve read and thought about with my husband so
I can gain his perspective, learn about him and enrich my own. At times, when we disagree on a topic, our
persuasive strategies kick in, allowing for a good debate. :)
When other
temporary things fall away that make you happy – a good conversation can last a
life-time.
Be Alive and Excited about Life
Do you
remember the first time you met your husband?
Probably one of those awkward meetings or something. But, I remember both of us being alive and
happy. We tried to look our best and be
interesting too. I don’t remember either
of us letting all of our problems out!
I’ve met a
few sisters in the last little while that exude a certain kind of sadness or
worry or fear that they don’t even realize that they exude. They actually walk around with a frown!
They might
have a problem or concern that, of course makes them look and feel a certain
way, but over time if the sad state continues it can really dampen the best of
relationships.
Yes, the
honeymoon phase (they say it’s the two year mark) can reach it’s end – but it
doesn’t have to! If you find yourself
bored and sad, then it is really up to you to make a change in the
relationship. If you are seriously upset
about something, then seek help!
There are so
many things to be excited and alive about in the world! You might need a change in your circle of
friends (who really do have a big influence on how you see and do things) or
you might need a new hobby or need to get outside and get fresh air on a
regular basis.
Being
energetic and happy and willing to try new things with your husband is an
important aspect of marriage. Being
grumpy and unmotivated can lead to a whole bunch of problems for both of
you. Find a new friend or a new hobby or
a new book and get excited about life.
Your husband will notice the energy and cheerfulness in you and you
could change the atmosphere of your home and relationship just by changing your
mood.
Have One Good Girl Friend (Or Mom) – Share
your Problems with Grac
There are
some things that you just need to tell a girl friend because she will just
understand and some things you can only tell your husband and it is important
to know the difference.
It is very
easy to get so comfortable with our husbands that we share some things with them that they really could be
spared. There is a certain kind of
respect and dignity a husband needs to have.
And, sisters, there is a certain level of respect and dignity he also
has for you, too.
I have seen
too many times, sisters complaining about other sisters, their clothes or their
characters to their husbands. Please
don’t do this! Sharing secrets or worse
the flaws of other sisters to your husbands is a big no-no, especially if the
sister confided in you. Even though you
and your husband are a pair, your sister friend should not feel that everything
she tells you is going straight to the husband!
This is not
only gossip and forbidden in Islam, but boring and undignified to your
husband. Instead, having a good girl
friend or even your mom or someone else you trust provides an excellent outlet
to let out frustrations that can dampen a marriage or a husband’s mood or
respect for you.
In the same
vein, sisters should not tell other sisters their husband’s secrets! It’s okay to seek advice but not in a way
that can make your husband lose respect in front of your friend.
Your husband
can be your best friend and will be with you to the very end, inshaAllah. It is not worth it to lose your husband and
what matters to him over a friend who no matter how close they are, can end up
not being there for you in the end.
Dress Up and Smell Good – Take Care of Your
Outward and Inward Appearance
Finally,
after years of searching for the “one” you are married! You look into the face of your spouse and you
think, “so it was you” that I was meant to marry. And, the marriage chapter of your life
begins.
Marriage is
“half our deen” and now that there is this one man in your life, this is your
chance to make it everything you’ve ever dreamed of. And one fun thing a Muslim Wife can do is
simply dress up and smell good.
I always
think it’s interesting that sisters (and brothers) can be “frumpy” in their
homes but as soon as they step out of the door they dress up and go all
out. Very often we dress up for the
world (strangers who we don’t know or at our workplace) and sometimes we just
let ourselves go in front of family and
our spouses.
I think it’s
great that couples get so comfortable with each other that they can stay in
their pajamas all day. But, sisters,
simply dressing up and smelling good can really uplift your husband’s
appreciation of you and may make him dress up and smell good for you too.
If you are a
stay-at-home sister/mom, yeah you can stay in your pajamas all day – but if you
know your husband is coming home at 5:30, then change into something nice and
put on some perfume at 5:00! :)
Taking care
of personal hygiene and working on yourself inwardly is sure to add to your
overall character. Reading Quran,
catching up on a Islamic lecture, praying and making heartfelt dua’a all add to
the beauty of you.
So, strike a
balance between the outward and the inward appearance of you and watch the
positive benefits come into your marriage and family.
Be Affectionate – Don’t Hold Back Your Love
I think
culturally, many sisters can bring a lot of baggage to their marriages and it
is not our fault because it’s the way we’ve all grown up.
Some of us
have been too immersed in Western culture and seen all the movies that we have
expectations of our husbands to act a certain way or we are the complete
opposite where we have been so sheltered that marriage and the thought of
living with a boy (when you are married) is strange and almost – wrong!
And, it is
strange. All of our lives, sisters grow
up in the homes of parents only to leave them (quite suddenly) to live with a
complete stranger (most people only know each other for a short while before
they get married.)
But, the
truth of the matter is that marriage is a noble sunnah that is one of the most
beautiful aspects of our deen. And, one
of the Best Things a Muslim Wife can do is to be affectionate, even if it has
to be learned over time. This is your
husband now. The one man that you
married and will be married to for ever, inshaAllah. Be affectionate with your husband, whatever
that means to you, and the affection will lead to a closer and more connected
relationship.
Human touch,
whether it be holding hands or a hug, leads to Mercy (Rahma) in relationships
whether it is with your husband, sister friends or even your parents. So, be affectionate often and reap the
benefits.
Go the Extra Mile – He’ll Notice (Hopefully)
Going the
extra mile means doing something for your husband that goes above and beyond
what he expects of you.
If he asked
you to make a meal for his family, it means you go all out and make the dishes
with care and effort.
If you are
going out for a special day, it means you take time to find the right outfit
and perhaps wear it a bit differently than he is used to. It could mean sending him a random text
message to say you are thinking of him or a random e-card.
It could
mean spending extra time listening to him talk to you about his concerns
without you changing the subject. It
could mean baking home-made cookies, inviting him on a special day you have
planned, making him a gift or cleaning his desk space.
It could
mean wearing earrings if you normally don’t at home, or giving him free time to
work-out or for his hobby, or even helping him get ready in the morning with a
packed lunch with a nice note inside.
The ideas
are endless and with a bit of extra time and effort, your husband will
appreciate the little details you’ve paid attention to, inshaAllah.
Say “Thank You” – Be Grateful for Small and
Big Things
One of the
hadiths that scare me to death is the one that says, “The majority of hell is
made up of women who were ungrateful to their husbands.” Yikes!
So, say
thank you every night to your husband before you go to sleep for anything and
everything that he has done for you.
Don’t overlook things you have got used to like him buying groceries,
helping out with dishes, listening to your problems or simply going to work
everyday.
Remember the
big things and the small things and soon all small things will turn into big
things for you, inshaAllah.
Thank him
sincerely: “Thank you for helping with the dishes because it really cuts the
time out I have to spend in the kitchen.” Rather than simply saying thank you,
explain yourself to him and tell him why it’s important to you and that you
noticed.
He will feel
happy that he could help and may make him feel like doing it even more for
you! Most importantly, give thanks to
Allah, most Generous, and He will increase your marriage even more, inshaAllah.
Parting Thoughts
This list is
a reminder first to myself before I send them to you. All of these are from experience of being
married for almost three years now. You
may agree or disagree, but these are just some things that have helped the both
of us over time.
And, we are
always learning and growing and making mistakes, alhamdulillah, it’s all part
of the journey. Feel free to share more
insight or your own tips with us in the comments below.
InshaAllah,
may Allah pour blessing upon blessing into all our marriages! Ameen!
